James Potter's Worst Nightmare
by HeRmiOnE71605
Summary: Shopping has never been so interesting...oneshot


"James," Lily Evans carefully balanced her five month old son in her arms as she lay her husband's breakfast on the table, "James! Breakfast!"

"Alright Lil," James was still buttoning his shirt as he sat down, "wow sweetheart, pancakes! What's the occasion?"

Lily was prepared for this. James had to be in a particular kind of mood to be willing to embark in an adventure such as the one she was planning.

"Well dear, I was just thinking—all my maternity clothes are slightly too big now…"

"And you thought you'd never lose all that weight," James said happily, "not that you needed to, dear," he added quickly at her cross expression. "So I guess you want me to take Harry today, huh?"

That wouldn't be too bad, James thought contentedly, the Cannons game was showing on the WWN and then he could always catch up on some sleep, something he'd been lacking a lot of since Harry had been born.

"Actually," Lily smiled, "I have better things for you to do besides watch the Cannons game."

At that moment, a loud cracking noise could be heard in the next room, startling all three Potters.

"Prongs?" a loud man's voice resounded through the house, causing little Harry to cry.

"Now you've done it," snapped another voice, "Lily's going to kill you for waking Harry up."

"It's alright this time, Sirius," Lily attempted to look stern, "we're already up."

"Harry!" the man called Sirius scooped up his godson eagerly and began to examine him carefully, "I think he's grown about a foot since yesterday," he said happily.

I know," James said proudly, reaching for the syrup," he'll have great arm length...probably be catching the snitch before he's one..."

Lily's over-my-dead-body expression stopped James's planning of little Harry's future Quidditch career in its tracks.

"So Lil, what's on the agenda today?" Remus Lupin asked as he shook his head at James, who was currently slopping syrup all over the kitchen counter, "God James, you'll die of a heart attack before you turn forty with all that crap you eat...You know—if I may be so blunt—you're getting chubbier every time I see you."

"Moony, you sound like a woman. Next you'll be telling me Quidditch is dangerous or some other load of ballocks like that," James snapped.

"You sound like you're gay," Sirius nipped his partner's ear affectionately.

"Please, kids, get a room," James said irritably, "I don't want my son getting any ideas from you two." He had known that his best friends were gay since sixth year, but the fact that they were a couple still weirded him out.

"James, grow up. Sirius, get your feet off my couch. And Remus, we are going shopping—my jeans are falling off of me, and I believe James wore the exact shirt he's wearing now when I turned him down for the fifth year Halloween Ball…"

"Yes...didn't like that shirt then, don't like it now," Remus shook his head, "and besides, Sirius hasn't bought one thing for our vacation."

"What vacation?" James said confusedly, hopelessly overruled now that Remus and Lily, resident fashion consultants had gone on the job.

"We're going to a wonderful place called—Hawaii. It's supposed to be wild," Sirius said dreamily.

"You're going to the beach in December?" James rolled his eyes.

"Well," Remus said excitedly, "what are we waiting for...let's go!"

"For me..." James said as Remus and Lily and Harry apparated out of the Potter flat simultaneously, "for me to finish my damn breakfast!"

"I finished it for you," Sirius clapped his best mate on the back, "Remus is right; you do look a bit beefier since you stopped playing Quidditch."

"Yea—meaning I can whip your ass!" James threw a playful punch at Sirius, who ducked behind the sofa.

"Why don't you call Wormtail so that you aren't the only straight guy there?"

"Fine, I suppose he would be better company than the three of you.

James gave the television set one last look of longing as he trailed after Sirius, ready to begin the day of torture that was in store for him.

The Shopping Centre

"James, try to act like you're having fun," Lily beamed at him as she admired her reflection in the four way mirror.

"What, oh yea right, I like those better than the first pair," James sighed unhappily.

"James, they're the same pair."

"Oh…right."

"Do you like the red sweater?" Lily said happily, "Sirius, what do you think?"

"Nice," Sirius grinned, "now hurry up so I can use that mirror."

"Lily!" Remus said in a scandalized voice, "I thought we've had this conversation before—and we agreed that you couldn't do red!"

"Oh Rem, don't be ridiculous, I've seen at least fifteen other girls wearing the exact same color."

"Lily, sweetheart, they don't have fire engine red hair—there is a beautiful green one out there with your name on it."

"Fine then," Lily huffed, "James go get me this sweater in green."

"What?" James said confusedly, "they all look the same to me."

"Is there something you need?" an eager looking salesgirl pushed toward Lily, "oh that looks lovely on you—"

"Don't even think about selling her that heinous thing," Remus snapped, "she needs that same one in that emerald green."

"Alright then," the salesgirl said cheerfully, "what size ma'am?"

"Probably a large," Lily said, "I blame it all on that child over there—destroying my figure."

"She's a medium," Remus barked, "well go get it then—and while you're at it, may I see this shirt in a small?"

"Of course," the salesgirl said graciously, "anything else?"

"Oh I'd better go with you," Remus ran after her, "bloody salespeople, might bring me back the wrong size."

"Sirius, what have you done to him?" James stared at Remus with horror, "he used to be so—so—_not_ obvious."

"James, he's happy for once in his life," Lily snapped, "you should be happy for him."

"I didn't do anything!" Sirius threw up his hands, "one day he just decided to decorate our apartment, and the rest is history."

"Hey Pete," James motioned to Peter, who was standing guard at the dressing room door with baby Harry, "let's get some air."

"Fine with me," Peter said eagerly, "but I'm not buying anything."

"Me either." James said firmly.

"Are you sure about that sir," the salesgirl, who had returned with Lily's sweater, had accosted him, "you know we can save you fifteen percent when you apply for a credit card—"

"Thank you, but no," James interrupted, "just get my wife whatever she wants as quickly as possible so we can get out of—oh Christ, Sirius what are you wearing?"

"Jeans," Sirius examined his reflection in the mirror.

"Those look dangerously like what Lily just had on," James said with horror in his eyes.

"They are," Sirius grinned, "its awesome, mate, she and I both wear 10 long now."

"But they---they---they're _women's_ jeans!"

"A lot of guys wear women's jeans," the salesgirl chirped, "and they look _so_ hot on you sir," she blushed as Sirius gave her a wink.

"See Prongs, the women still dig me!"

"Too bad you leave a trail of broken hearts wherever you go," James rolled his eyes as his friend did a very, in his opinion, gay dance, "Wormtail whatever are you doing?"

Another salesgirl was following Peter, who had in his arms a very large pile of clothes.

"And if you need anything else at all sir, my name is Nichole and I'd be very happy to assist you."

I'm really not buying anything today," Peter said meekly, throwing James a pitiful gaze as he walking into a dressing room.

"And after you've made your decision, you can sign up for an account with us and save an additional fifteen percent."

"Well, what do you think, James?" Lily and Remus had both emerged from their respective dressing rooms.

"Remus, please don't tell me you're wearing her sweater."

"James," Remus looked offended, "_this_ is a v-neck—_that_ is a turtleneck—they are two totally separate entities."

"So what do you think, dear?" Lily said happily picking up Harry from his pram, "what do you think of your Mummy darling?"

"Isn't this fun?" Sirius wrapped his arms around both of them, "we can hit Baby Gap next!"

"Won't that be fun, Harry?" Lily cooed, "Now, go to your Uncle Remus!"

"You mean Auntie Remus?" James said grudgingly, but he was of course ignored.

"Well," said the salesgirl named Nichole, "looks like we've set everybody up but you—"

"Look," James said in a dangerously low voice, "I do not want _anything_, at all, and don't you dare offer me a credit card because the answer is _no_."

"I was just going to say that your shirt looks a little tight," the salesgirl said coolly, "but if it doesn't bother you by all means—"

"Tight?" James sputtered as the rest of his so called friends snickered, "what do you mean, tight? I'll have you know that I wore this thing when I was sixteen years old—the chicks dug it then and they dig it now, right Lily?"

Lily didn't grace him with a reply.

"Maybe you should let her pick you out something, Prongsie," Sirius smirked.

"Fine, I give up, pick me out something—but don't you dare make me look like those two—and no bloody women's jeans."

"Of course not," Nicole said happily, "it won't take a minute!"

An hour later, James was modeling his first outfit.

"James, I think that the day of the medium shirts has passed for you, my friend," Remus said with a raised eyebrow.

"Nonsense," James pulled on the shirt, which was annoyingly tight around the middle, "Lily what do you think?"

Lily motioned to the salesgirl, who still looked slightly frightened from James's previous outburst, "do you think he should try on a larger size?"

"Well—" the salesgirl said hesitantly as Remus and Sirius exchanged a smirk, "it's whatever feels comfortable to you sir."

"What about the jeans, James?" Lily smiled, "are they to your liking?"

"They'll do," James stared at his reflection in the mirror, still irked that he required a large shirt, "wait—how much are they?"

"One hundred and seventy pounds sir," the salesgirl chirped.

"I don't like them for one hundred and seventy pounds!" James bellowed, "I wouldn't give forty for them—they have holes in them!"

"Strategically placed holes mind you," Sirius said mischievously.

"I agree about the holes, James, but they _are_ so in now," Remus said thoughtfully, "and honestly, those jeans are the first pair that flatters you at all."

"Thanks Remus," James said through clenched teeth.

"Don't forget about the credit card," the salesgirl began.

"WE KNOW!" James, Lily, and Remus snapped back.

"I'll get a credit card," Peter said happily, "I like all the stuff she picked out for me, and I need all the money off I can get."

"Let me get you an application," the salesgirl said happily.

"Wormtail, you are getting scammed—that's how these Muggle stores make their money," James shook his head.

"I guess we could get one too," Remus pointed at Sirius's pile of clothes, which was getting larger by the minute.

"Fine," James huffed as he slammed the door, "we'll get one too—happy?"

"Aww James," Remus laughed contentedly, "is this shopping thing growing on you?"

"If we're getting a discount, we might as well get you those jeans," Lily said hopefully as the others hurried off to make their purchases.

A wadded pair of jeans was unceremoniously thrown over the door.

"Anything else you want, dear?" Lily grinned.

"Get me the damn blue shirt too," James huffed as he picked Harry up, "and don't tell anyone I got the large—oh and Lily, I'm getting a gym membership tomorrow."

"Suit yourself dear," Lily grinned, happy that her day of shopping was so very productive.


End file.
